7 Feb 2010 – YCAC vs Kurumi

Match report by Hunter Hemingway
Photos by Kyoko Obayashi
Match photos
YCAC 68, Kurumi 37 (HT: 42-17)

Before the match it was agreed between the two captains that the halves would be 40 minutes and that ‘free’ substitutions would be allowed. Given the scoreline it would also look like there was tacit understanding reached between the two teams that tackling would be heavily frowned upon because that is the only way I can explain how 105 points could be scored in a single game under YCAC’s lights in February!

Unfortunately, it was actually just the case that both teams were 100% committed to attacking rugby and that a lot of tries flowed as a result of this. The reason this is unfortunate is that it doesn’t really give me a lot of material to work with for this report. How can you make fun of a YCAC team that played really well? You can’t. It’s kind-of like trying to make fun of Brad Pitt. There’s no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? “Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You’re such a loser.”

However, one thing I noticed from the team sheet “Slow” Joe Fisher put together below is that the make-up of this YCAC team was even more diverse than normal with no fewer than 11 different nationalities taking the field during the match. This made me remember a piece on other nation’s versions of the Haka which did the rounds a few years ago and which I shamefully reproduce here:

Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing the Haka before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own:
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it’s not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and the IRB on the grounds that it is cruel and disrespectful of the national pastime of New Zealand.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory and claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” before being forcibly removed by the Stewards.
The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called “Saving No8 Lyle”.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in cars shaped like red dildos, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering lucrative contracts to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly inefficient manner before buying the ground.
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park trucks across the halfway line, let sheep lose in the opposition half and burn the officials.
The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.

One final note before I sign off for this week – I fear I have created a monster with my comments on the Man of the Match drink-offs. Since drawing attention to this issue five weeks ago YCAC has not lost a single drink-off and the margin of victory seems to be increasing each week. After this match Luke “The Eternal MVP” Raimo downed his beverage before his opponent was even half-finished and one could almost detect a hint of sympathy among the YCAC contingent. Almost.

Hunter Hemingway


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