24 Feb 2008 – YCAC Gents vs Ellis

YCAC Gents 17, Ellis 24 (HT 0-7)
Gents Match Report – Steve Lewis

YCAC Gents
Tries: Kieran Walsh, Matt Dimond, Kenji Redgloves
Cons: Tim Miller

As chill winds blew ferociously at Yamate, the Magnificent Gents lost their unbeaten record to the grandads of Ellis who following their 50 point drubbing earlier in the season sneakily included a number of their 20 year old grandsons who could actually run above a snail’s pace.

The day had started inauspiciously as the winds had deprived the Gents of two key players who were stranded in Tokyo when the rail network closed down for safety reasons. As a result, the Gents were forced to recruit a one-toothed midget by the name of “Yuji” to play Lock and to press-gang Cavier Ken into a return to the line up notwithstanding his ruptured back incurred during vigorous dating on the lively over 50s Yokohama Singles Scene.

The one bright pre-match shining light was the return after five years of an ex-YCAC 1st Team Captain who must remain anonymous due to his wife’s threats as to what she will do with his b*ll*cks if she ever finds out that he has played rugby again. A little strange that the aforementioned ex-YCAC Captain should be concerned about his b*ll*cks given that he has already produced four children and undergone the surgeon’s knife to ensure that no more of the little Blighters will be giving him sleepless nights. For those of you reading this report and still wondering as to the identity of our Returning Hero, suffice it to say that on Sunday 24th February he was the only 25 stone vegetarian in the whole of Japan.

After winning the toss, Captain Marvin astutely decided to play against the wind and a heroic first half display meant that the Gents were only down by one score at the half-time interval. With a gale at their backs, it seemed a formality for the Gents to kick the ball into the opposition’s 22 before routing the grandads with the Gents’ trademark rolling maul. Unfortunately, disaster had struck during the half-time interval. Side Show Bob had developed a shoulder injury meaning that he could not return for the second half, leaving the Mighty Gents with just 14 players and, more importantly, no line out jumper. At the same time, Masa Nozaki totally lost his focus as a result of a half-time telephone call to the belly dancer who had performed at YCAC the previous Friday. The omens were bad when the Gents’ kick off was caught in his own 22 by one of the grandsons who ran the full length of the pitch without a Gents player laying a hand on him.

Down to 14 players, the Gents resorted to a second row of Yuji the Midget and Kenji Redgloves who bore no comparison to the power and coordination of the erstwhile Dynamic Dwarfy Duo of Massivo King and Sushi the Shove. As a result, for the first time this season the Gents’ scrum began to retreat at a rate of knots and Ellis established a commanding lead. The spirit in adversity returned and fine tries by Keiran, Matt and Kenji brought the Gents within a whisker of saving the unbeaten record. With the seconds ticking away during a last gasp attack, the Gents were undone by the unlikely sight of Cavier Ken turning Mr. Angry and raining a stream of punches onto the biggest forward in the Ellis pack. The resulting penalty enabled Ellis to clear the pressure and the game was over. Success in the bedroom, violence on the pitch: whatever next for Cavier Ken?

Whilst the loss of the unbeaten record was a terrible blow for the team, the one consulation was the news from Bangkok that the YCAC 1st Team had chosen to tour on the only dry weekend that Thailand has ever known following a pre-election decree that all bars should be shut in the run up to the vote.

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