23 Oct – YCAC Gents XV 35, London Japanese 12 & YCAC First XV 102, Tamariba 7

Final score was 102-7. Tryscorers: Jim, 4; Dougal, 4; Johan, 3; Stairs, 2; Maui, 2; Ben, 2; Yoshi, 1. Conversions: Niall, 6 (we think).

The Gents’ season began in sparkling fashion as new boy Matt “Two Bellies” Dimond cruised through the London Japanese defence to score under the posts. The selectors bowed to pre-match pressure by moving Adam “Man Mountain” Gravesth from second row to centre. The strategy paid off to wonderous effect as the pocket powerhouse pulled off a try-saving tackle after the London Japanese had crossed our line. Instead of the dynamic dachshund, our principal line out jumper was Terry “Three Legs” Dixon who won a torrent of good quality line-out ball. Viagra is clearly the new drug of choice for stumpy little line-out forwards and Terry’s three legs propelled him to greater heights than any of the two-legged London Japanese forwards. Philippe Donnet was as rampant as a gigolo in a nunnery and tore through the London Japanese defence like a Panza regiment through the Maginot Line. And Fraser Jamieson’s pre-season binging worked to great effect as he bulldozed over for a forwards’ try. But old lessons need to be re-learnt and the Gents’ backs kicked twice without finding touch, resulting in 2 tries to London Japanese and a half-time score of 14-12. The older members of the team remembered fondly the legendary second row Neil “Teflon” Smith who would send off any three quarters who had the temerity to kick the ball.
The second half was a closely fought encounter. The next try would definitely win the match. Answering the call of the fading YCAC Gents, the ghostly white figure of The Legend of Yamate appeared on the pitch. Like the ghostly riders vanquishing the Orcs at the battle of Helmsdeep, The Legend of Yamate appeared for just two plays in the space of one minute, but with supernatural strength parted the London Japanese defence and scored under the posts. The kick was good and for all intents and purposes, the match was won.
Fraser scored his second try and Nike scored a late try with pace that was quite astounding for a man of 25 stone. But then perhaps the saddest sound one can every hear on a rugby pitch. Fraser “Tight Scottish B*st*rd” Jamieson collected the ball 10 yards out, feigned inside, linked with his forwards and was driven towards the line. The YCAC forwards put on an almighty shove and Fraser found himself propelled over the London Japanese goal line. As he fell to earth, he knew there was nothing that could stop him scoring a third and juggable try. The shrieking and weeping and gnashing of teeth was just too much for the referee who took pity on the poor Scotsman and disallowed the try, thereby ensuring that the moths in Fraser’s wallet would not have to see the light of day for many more years to come.
The self-restraint shown by the first team on Friday night at the IPC-sponsored preseason gathering was evidence that the boys were keen to get the season at YCAC off to a good start against Tamariba, who were expected to be much tougher opposition than the Tottori Typhoons and Pattaya Panthers. A sweep of Roppongi early Saturday morning by the Firsts’ and Gentsªf captains (it is a great responsibility and someone has to do it) uncovered only one potential case of an alcohol-induced sub par performance on game day…however, not mentioning any names, Dopey Dan Clark did awake from his Sat. night slumber and his solid performance at hooker typified the teamªfs efforts on the day.
Conditions were perfect in terms of the weather and the pitch but Tamariba chose not send their strongest team and from very early on in the game couldnªft compete very well with the size in our forward pack nor the pace in the backs. Hit of the day came early as Stairs sent one of the opposition backs straight into rehab, which was about the last time they saw any decent ball. Our Samoan backs, Ben and Maui, were on island time and thought meeting time was two minutes before kick-off rather than two oªfclock but when they finally got to the club they made up for it with some great skills and running. They helped to set up a number of tries for themselves and others, while in between them the McWilliam Circus was in town again as Bic Mac nonchalantly threw out more blind passes than the local government office for the visually impaired. “Raªcraªc.raªc.rainbow Rob Jee” shone brightly through the game on the flank and was even more dazzling post-match as he modelled the latest G-unit lines of fashion.
Man of the match for Tamariba was their Number Eight, who despite being as big as one of Stairs’ legs, kept trying to take it to us. YCAC Man of the Match was Erich who put in the hard yards on Saturday and has been doing so on and off the field for the team over the last few years. Thanks Erich and all the best in Seattle. Even though it was very one-sided game YCAC did well to keep their focus through the 70 minutes and scored 50 points in each half.

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